I did it. I quit again. I quit smoking. Again.

Nicotine is my longest relationship, and I love it. I personally enjoy smoking and despite the fact that I’m fully aware of the excessive cost and dangerous effects on my health, this is one toxic relationship that I have not wanted to let go of. Again.

Not that we haven’t had our breakups, but we’ve always gotten back together and made it work. We met around the age of 15 and had a casual relationship until around 20. My boyfriend was a nonsmoker, and I felt he was worth the sacrifice, so I chose to walk away from nicotine. Around a year later he dumped me and I went running back to my old friend.

When I was 23 my dad died and smoking was my most reliable coping mechanism. Nicotine and I fully committed to our relationship from that moment on.

I quit again when my husband and I started dating eight years ago. I stayed smoke free for five years. That’s long enough to look down your nose at all the other little smokers who are powerless over their addiction. And THEN, my ex filed the motion to stop paying child support when our child became of the age to graduate but hadn’t finished all the graduation requirements I had since she was homeschooled. (Calm down, she was almost there, she just didn’t want to do the activities.) I ran back to nicotine and I’ve been smoking ever since. There’s more to the story, but I’m not K-Fed.

Then we move to today. I have this little spasm in my throat. My sinuses drain constantly. I had anxiety during my post-40 pregnancies, and I would grind my teeth in my sleep and I need to fix them. And there’s of course the obvious reasons: My dad died at 58 of heart attack and he hadn’t smoked since his mid 20’s, and my mother who has smoked ONE cigarette in her ENTIRE life has cancer metastasized in both lungs. I share a wall with her. I don’t know if you really understand how shitty smoking is until you’ve listened to your last surviving parent hack all day and night with cancer.

So, basically, I swore when my kids were both in school that I’d quit. I figured that my main stressors would be contained in the public school system and I would have ZERO excuse not to get my act together. It was a great plan. Quitting while my mom is fighting cancer is probably not my wisest choice, but I decided to look at it from the angle of: if I can quit through this, then there’s no reason I can’t stay quit.

I use an app that tracks how long it’s been since I’ve smoked, it also lets me track cravings and a diary. It tracks how many cigarettes I haven’t smoked and how much money I’ve saved. All are pretty cool features because there comes a point where I’m competing with myself because I don’t want to ruin my numbers.

As you can see in the photos above, it’s been about 15 hours. I’ve hit the anti-anxiety meds and I’ve eaten enough food to gain 15 pounds, but here it is morning and I’ve got this great cup of coffee, and I can’t even go out on my front porch and watch the sun come up because part of the routine will be missing. I’m holding on for dear life to get through the next 72 hours.

This is just something I’ve needed to do. I have to quit cold turkey and I just have to suffer through the worst of it. Next up for me: a couple of dates with my dentist, and some CT scans to see how my heart is doing after 20 plus years of smoking.

If you’re a smoker, I encourage you to take an honest look at your addiction and really work out the best way for you to quit. As you can see in the photos above, my oxygen levels and lungs will be okay within hours to days, but my risk of cancer and heart disease takes YEARS. I will be 57 when my risk of cancer is that of a nonsmoker, and I will be 62 when my risk of heart attack matches that of a nonsmoker.

I’m gonna go stomp around the house, get another cup of coffee and try to work off some of this frustration.

Jesus fix it!